


The Many Jobs of Chas Chandler

by Sheneya



Category: Constantine (TV)
Genre: Crack, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Gen, Humor, List Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-04 11:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17303600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheneya/pseuds/Sheneya
Summary: Chas needs to be appreciated more.





	1. Chapter 1

Ladder Replacement: Zed once caught him holding John up by his waist and slowly carrying him along to see the books on the top shelf in Jasper’s house after they accidentally broke the step-ladder.

Warlock Wrangler: He wasn’t the best at magic, but he’d yanked Constantine out of many an unnecessary fist fight. Jim Corrigan once bought him a backpack with leash for John as a joke. Zed still swears the man seriously considered it for a moment.

Warlock Carrier: Sub-section of Warlock Handler. When Constantine is knocked out, Chas usually carries him home… or to the nearest hospital. How John is carried depends on a combo of his injury and how pissed Chas is with him at the time.

Prime Napping Spot: Everyone has fallen asleep on Chas at some point… Yes, even Jim.

Food Magician: John doesn’t know where the food comes from… Zed doesn’t know where the food comes from… Chas insists it is literally just grocery shopping. John think’s it’s the only magic spell Chas can do because he’s damn sure the fridge was empty two seconds ago, yet suddenly there’s a three course meal in front of them.

Meal Magician: This is, John claims, a secondary characteristic of his alleged Food Magician abilities.

It is what John… and Zed… and anyone who’s eaten at the house really, sees as the ability to conjure a full, quality meal out of available foods that they would never have considered good combinations.

Angel Collector: It was Christmas, Chas is as tall as a tree… apparently, and Manny had somehow managed to get extremely drunk. They still don’t know how an Angel got drunk.

Suffice to say, John and Zed found it hilarious to see Manny perched atop an oblivious Chas’s shoulders claiming he was. “The Angel that tops the tree that supports your whole lives.”

Neither Zed nor John decided to tell Manny just what the innuendo was with that statement.

Beanbag: Chas has gotten used to John or Zed flopping into his lap to read a tome or draw a picture.

Animal Carrier: So far, he’s had a cat, two small dogs, a rabbit, some gerbils a rat a lizard and a family of field mice stuffed into whatever pockets he had.

Impromptu Warmth Provider: The number of times Zed has rocked up to find that John has lost yet another coat while fighting demons, and was tucked under Chas’s chin with the larger mans coat buttoned up to his earlobes is… well it’s happened more than once.

She stopped asking how Chas got his coats in such large sizes though when she ended needing to be tucked into one for a bit herself. She no longer cared, it was lovely and warm. Jim begrudgingly agreed the one time he ended up stuffed under Chas’s coat after falling in a lake.

He never mentioned it again.

Handkerchief: Chas is the one who’s been cried on and sniffled into the most. John always pretends it’s allergies. Chas lets him.

Clothes Holding Unit: This was more for Zed, as John’s wardrobe consisted of the same things every day. Chas often held Zed’s outfits while she was picking one for a date.

It had been entirely by accident the first time, but was now kind of their thing.

John had once draped his tie over Chas’s arm as a tease. Zed stole it and paired it with her outfit. It worked rather well actually.

Shower: He’s never told any of them to strip down, but if they’ve gotten really dirty during an exorcism or fight, he does have them stand outside until he can hose everyone down.

Yes he does include himself in this process. And yes, he or perhaps Jasper before he passed away, made it so the water was comfortably warm when they got sprayed.

Then he hands out fluffy towels to wrap around themselves until they all get to their showers. Which have more fluffy towels in them. They go through a lot of fluffy towels.

Nurse: John would probably work himself into pneumonia when he got a cold without Chas. He actually did once.

Chas say’s he was so sick the demon that owned his soul tried to enter the house and collect early.

Good old Jasper and his protections.

Chas won’t let the Warlock work sick anymore. John agreed after he had sneezing fit in the middle of a complex ritual. The results of that mess up weren’t pretty.

Piggy Back Provider: There is literally no real reason, John, Zed and Jim that one rather memorable time have Just ridden on Chas’s back for fun. OK, Jim would like to point out that he was incredibly drunk that time… and Zed’s video proof of him practically climbing Chas and laughing while he was carted around should in no way be used against him.

Drink Glass: OK, John had been VERY drunk and Chas HAD stolen a mouthful of his whiskey… and he’d wanted it back… but it counted… right?


	2. John Constantine’s Guide to Being Carried by Chas Chandler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Constantine Companion to Chas's Warlock Carrier status.

In his arms like a large baby = He’s not mad.

Fireman’s Carry = A little grumpy, but will probably be over it by the time you get to the cab.

Tucked under a single arm = The silent treatment during the trip home, but he’ll probably still cook dinner.

Half-dragged along the ground by your underarms = You’ll be cooking your own damn dinner.

Scruffed and dragged = And don’t be looking for breakfast either.

Scruffed, one arm between the legs, lifted and flung into back of the cab = There are takeout menus in the top drawer in the kitchen and hopefully leftovers in the fridge or freezer, plan your meals for the next few days accordingly.

Not being carried at all = Probably just not that badly hurt or drunk. No… no don’t grasp pathetically at the back of his shirt and pretend to be worse off than you are… you know better… HE knows better.

John Constantine you’re a sad, clingy mess of a man.

Walk alone… WALK ALONE, it’s your bloody motto isn’t it?


End file.
